Criterion velocity and samadhi
We navigate the present moment through our accumulated learning, habits, intentions, and evolutionary drives responding to other people and the world....Read More
Conflict in Post-Issue Relationships
The ideal goal in any conflict is to get back to love in seconds. This requires both partners to immediately recognize conflicts as they arise...Read More
Personalities are the base notes of change work
Whatever mode of therapy you’re using, it’s beneficial to keep influencing clients to install missing capacities in their personalities and take responsibility for problems stemming...Read More
The triple threat model of human suffering
In the 57 years I’ve been studying psychology there have been three schools of thought about where psycho/emotional/social suffering comes from—nurture, trauma, and nature....Read More
Personality disorders and mass formations
An Integral understanding of personality disorders, and how they fit into the mass formation distortions that currently seem to be happening everywhere....Read More
The Hero’s Journey
Joseph Campbell studied 114 cultures to find common mythic themes, and a central one was the Hero’s journey—how people are challenged, meet challenges, and are...Read More
How Self-Love Progresses Through the Life Span
One of my favorite definitions of love is to be at-one-with. Developmentally, when it comes to self-love, we progress through stages....Read More
An Integral Understanding of Narcissism and Gaslighting, Part 3
Narcissism is characterized by self-absorption, self-centeredness, the objectification of others, and a constant hunger for attention and praise—narcissistic supply. People with pathological narcissism—seeing others as...Read More
An Integral Understanding of Narcissism and Gaslighting, Part 2
Narcissism is characterized by self-absorption, self-centeredness, the objectification of others, and a constant hunger for attention and praise—narcissistic supply. People with pathological narcissism—seeing others as...Read More
An Integral Understanding of Narcissism and Gaslighting
An Integral understanding looks for deeper dynamics and practical approaches to identifying and addressing narcissism and gaslighting, and positions these problems as developmental challenges for...Read More
The Neurobiology of Spirituality
How relevant is spirituality to normal development? According to a number of epidemiological findings and much neurobiological research, spirituality is of central importance to healthy development....Read More
Codependence: what it is and how to deal with it
Humans are ultrasocial, and most of our interactions fall into three categories, dependent, independent, and interdependent. Just like most everything else, there are healthy and...Read More
Stages of trauma into transcendence
Trauma is an increasingly popular field in psychology, psychotherapy, and the world in general. Through countless studies in interpersonal neurobiology and social psychology, we now...Read More
Radical generosity
Excerpt: Have you ever been bored with your partner and think that the solution is him or her becoming sexier or more interesting?...Read More
Influence and discernment
We tend to respond better or worse—and be influenced more or less—by different sequences of social engagements. For example, first impressions stick, and the last...Read More
Shame into regret
The challenge of therapy (and development) is to turn shame which trashes our worth and moral fiber, into regret which has more of “I wish...Read More
The H Factor
In the HEXACO 6-factor personality system, the H factor reflects how humble/honest or arrogant/dishonest a person is. I find this fascinating, with a lot of...Read More
Forgiveness and radical acceptance
It’s astonishing how many human miseries can be resolved through forgiveness and radical acceptance. Never forgiving is taking poison to punish someone else—the more you...Read More
[VIDEO] Psychotherapy as a Martial Art
Blending the principles of martial arts with the practice of psychotherapy was central in my early development as a clinician, and I still find the...Read More
Happy yes: Part 1
One great principle of happy relationships is to say “Yes” as much as possible. Couples who do this are happier, healthier, and have better sex....Read More
Post-Issue Relationships
Post-issue relationships are the goal of all psychotherapiesIn a post-issue relationship, each problem is an opportunity to grow and love. A post-issue relationship still has...Read More
How Enchanting Stories Can Reshape Your Reality
“Observe with interest” is one of the nuggets of wisdom I say repeatedly thanks to my guest joining us today, Dr. Keith Witt. He teaches...Read More
The Shrink & The Pundit: Fighting and Friending Our Way Forward
Dr. Keith Witt on the psychological mechanisms that animate evolution. All living processes exist in a rhythm of opposing forces which create conflict, resolving into...Read More
Myths from the pair bond
We humans take the drives and turn them into art, and arguably the oldest art forms we have are the mythic stories beginning with the...Read More
Invisible Audiences
We feel observed all the time. We feel observed by our conscious selves and our inner critics. We feel observed by others–by our real and...Read More
The Warrior, the Healer, development, and Shadow
The Warrior, the Healer, and the Man of Wisdom are universal archetypes that inform our personal evolution in countless ways. They are intertwined in our...Read More
The Integral 3-2-1 process expanded into a 1-2-3-1 process
In sessions, therapists use the power of the lower left quadrant intersubjective relationship to help clients make transitions from defensive states into states of healthy...Read More
A new paradigm for developing mastery in psychotherapy
Let’s focus mostly on therapists’ growth as human beings. I believe that such an emphasis is a new paradigm for developing mastery in psychotherapy....Read More
Your best self — your wisest and most compassionate self — exists right now in you
You may be embodying your wisest self as you read this. Your wisest self is a fundamental part of you that wants to choose goodness,...Read More
We live in a relational universe. Everything is relationships.
We live in a relational universe. Our lives revolve around relationships with others, nature, the world, the past/present/future, and our countless interior selves, memories, and...Read More
A Critical Moment in Relationships
If you want enduring bliss, you need to know how to repair injuries back to love! This of course begs the question, “What are the...Read More
Year-round Holiday Spirit? Yes, Please.
I always love the worldcentric vibes of the holidays. Peace and love for all, New Year’s Eve around the world, and the brotherhood of man...Read More
Thanksgiving and our ancestral voices
It’s a running gag in America that holidays generate emotional conflicts like the Caribbean generates hurricanes. Red/blue political arguments, intoxicated relatives, old family wounds exposed,...Read More
Loving Completely – Integrating Science, Heart, and Spirit – a conversation with Neil Sattin
Do you ever feel like there’s a barrier between what you know about how to have a good relationship, and what you actually do? How...Read More
An Integral understanding of suicide
Suicide has been in existence as long as self-aware consciousness has been in existence. The gift of self-aware consciousness included the capacity for humans to...Read More
Practical Scientific and Practical Romantic Schools of Therapy
Since I began studying psychotherapy in 1966, I’ve noticed that therapists generally fall into two categories — theory-driven and practical-change driven....Read More
Relational dead spots and how to deal with them
An intimate love relationship is composed of a friendship, a love affair, and different abilities to repair problems when they arise. Relationships progress through attraction,...Read More
The Two Commitments – If you’re in a relationship, check your commitments
If we feel that we want a life partnership with a person, the commitment needs to shift from, “I’ll stay as long as,” to “I’ll...Read More
Depression is the great deceiver
There is four times the rate of depression now than in 1987. We’ve essentially been doubling the amount of depression in this country for each...Read More
[Video] Finding Sanity in the Post-Truth Era
Dr. Keith Witt talks about our shared emotional reactions to the election and ongoing cultural upheavals, and some strategies help us not only cope, but...Read More
Explain and listen, don’t make excuses.
Who is your closest relationship right now? Do you get along well all the time? Do you fight occasionally? To those who can’t think of...Read More
Deeper Consciousness Means More Responsibility
In my book, Waking Up, I maintain that Integral psychotherapists cultivate compassion and depth of consciousness to co-create healing cultures with their clients. Depth of...Read More
The Three Foundations of Marriage
Marriage is a garden: a couple’s friendship, love affair, and repair of injuries nurtures the marital garden Have you ever had a garden? You love...Read More
Integral Parenting
Integral parenting is simply parenting mostly from integrally informed perspectives. Being Integrally informed helps you be a superior parent, but you don’t have to know...Read More
Coaching and Psychotherapy
I’ve looked with interest at the rise of coaching as a discipline over the last twenty-five years. I love the movement and admire all the...Read More
Integral psychotherapy is redefining psycho/spiritual/physical healing in the 21st century
Integral theory is a meta-theory that creates a scaffolding within which all other theories are organized. Integral psychotherapy is any therapy that takes into account...Read More
Conscious Erotic Polarity
The loss of erotic polarity during intimate bonding is one of the main complaints of couples entering therapy. I’ve found many men and women to...Read More
The Invisible Audience
Self-conscious is usually some version of feeling embarrassed in front of an invisible audience — an audience just waiting to find us ridiculous or unattractive....Read More
Conditional Love
The love of a husband and wife is in many ways our most important relationship. Strangely, it also is one of the most conditional loves...Read More
Sexism is a Wicked Problem
Sexism is a wicked problem–meaning it has many components and needs to be addressed from multiple directions. I believe the answers to sexism involve understanding...Read More
Shaping the session with furniture
I’ve found it useful to have chairs my clients and I can maneuver during the session, either on wheels or chairs you can easily slide....Read More
Dealing With Conflict Effectively: 6 Ways to Repair Your Relationships
Conflict comes with the territory of any long-term relationship. It’s only natural that when you merge your life with another human being—someone with different tastes,...Read More
Understanding Your Shadow: The Key to A Successful Marriage
Why is it that you’re 35% happier if you live next door to a good friend, but only 8% happier when you live with a...Read More
The (Positive) Power of Shadow
“Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.” – Carl Jung In a U.N. study, people rated...Read More
Sexual Compulsivity Has Many Forms
Sexual compulsives can have wildly different kinds and degrees of obsessions. I’ve helped men and women who were absolutely “Sexually addicted.” They urgently craved self-destructive...Read More
Natural and Unnatural Selection
For three and a half billion years on earth, the development of all living creatures, plant or animal, happened more or less randomly in response...Read More
No Institution is Immune to Corruption, Including Marriage
Human nature corrupts all institutions. Any institution—bank, company, army, government, family, marriage, you name it—has been, is being, or will be corrupted. The institution of...Read More
The Neurobiology of Willpower
There’s been a lot of research done in the past fifty years on willpower. Willpower is our ability to decide on a course of action...Read More
Intimacy and Evolution Are Relational
I believe that humans—using conscious focus and intent—extend energetically even farther into direct communion with fields of subtle energies that comprise all knowledge and form...Read More
The Physics of Mood
We all want to feel better. Sometimes, this can happen instantly with insight, attention, loving acceptance, or shared understanding. But more often than not, feeling...Read More
Dealing With Panic Attacks
Panic attacks are not much fun. Hearts race, hands sweat, you feel like everything is going to hell, and you believe you are powerless, worthless...Read More
Self-Love: Feeling whole in our incompleteness – An Integral Conversation with Jeff Salzman [AUDIO]
The Shrink and the Pundit is an ongoing discussion between Jeff and his longtime friend, Dr. Keith Witt, a leading Integral psychotherapist. In this podcast...Read More
Amygdala: Our Brain’s Emotional Fireworks Center
Every time I review all this research, I’m reminded how important daily meditation practice–you know, the ten or twenty minutes you can’t seem to consistently...Read More
Mid-life Crises: Disaster or Turning Point?
The concept of a midlife crisis first appeared in a 1965 article by Elliot Jaques, entitled Death and the Midlife Crisis. He, like the psychoanalytic...Read More
Let Her Inspire You to be a Better Man
This blog post is for guys willing to learn to love women better. A couple come sits in my office at 1:00 on a sunny...Read More
How to Regulate Anxiety – On The Shrink & The Pundit
anx·i·e·ty (aNGˈzīədē/) noun 1. A feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. The ability to...Read More
THE SPECTRUM OF BROKENNESS: WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU’RE DEALING WITH A PERSONALITY DISORDER
Jayson Gaddis and I recently had an extended conversation about marriage, evolution, and the responsibilities of intimacy on his Smart Couple podcast. I had a...Read More
Parents In Psychotherapy – Therapist In The Wild [VIDEO]
This week the Therapist in the Wild opines on how parents get a bad rap in therapy, and how it’s best to just talk to...Read More
CEO Empowerment — Find YOUR Superpowers
We talked about CEOs, the special challenges they face, and the potential for growth and service inherent in being the top boss. The interface between...Read More
The 3 Evolutionary Drivers in Relationship – Jayson Gaddis Podcast SC 12
Jayson Gaddis and I recently had an extended conversation about marriage, evolution, and the responsibilities of intimacy on his Smart Couple podcast. I had a...Read More
TURNING DESTRUCTIVE SHADOW INTO CONSTRUCTIVE SHADOW – An Integral Conversation with Jeff Salzman [AUDIO]
On this episode of The Shrink & The Pundit, Dr. Keith tells us that the only difference between a destructive shadow and a constructive shadow...Read More
WHAT DEPRESSION IS TRYING TO TELL US – An Integral Conversation with Jeff Salzman [AUDIO]
On this episode of The Shrink & The Pundit, Jeff and Dr. Keith talk about one of the oldest and most dreaded of human afflictions,...Read More
Nice Guys Finish First – Therapist In The Wild [VIDEO]
This week the Therapist in the Wild debunks the “Nice guys finish last” myth. Actually, nice guys finish first and Dr. Keith Witt will tell...Read More
LOVING COMPLETELY: An Inside Look at the Five Stars of Healthy Relationships
Loving Completely is a groundbreaking, self-directed web course designed to help you and your partner improve your connection on every level: physical, emotional, psychological, and...Read More
No Really, Change DOES Begin with YOU – From Beyond Awakening with Terry Patten [AUDIO]
On December 14, 2014 I had the honor and privilege of speaking with Terry Patten on Beyond Awakening. If you’re unfamiliar with his Community Blog...Read More
Dialed-In Marriage – Therapist In The Wild [VIDEO]
More priceless advice from Dr. Keith Witt, the Therapist in the Wild. Too many marriages are clueless too much of the time, and that means...Read More
Genie in the Bottle – Therapist In The Wild [VIDEO]
This week the Therapist in the Wild explains the too-common Genie in the Bottle experience. We’re prone to a Genie in the Bottle experience when...Read More
Lying As Violence and Truth As A Practice, An Integral Conversation with Jeff Salzman [AUDIO]
This month my Integral Brother Jeff Salzman and I have a terrific conversation diving deep into the topic of lying as violence and using truth...Read More
Regrets – Therapist In The Wild [VIDEO]
This week the Therapist in the Wild takes us on a trip to your deathbed and what regrets you might be able to avoid –...Read More
Unconditional Love – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
This week the Therapist in the Wild reveals some basic truths about unconditional love–a misunderstood concept that has been the basis of a lot of...Read More
STFU Parenting Edition – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
Anybody who’s a parent will tell you about times that talking to their kid was like talking to a wall. In situations like these, the...Read More
Primitive Thinking and Mature Thinking – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
This week the Therapist in the Wild mines our hunter gatherer history to explore the differences between primitive thinking and mature thinking. How grown up...Read More
Ruff and Tumble Play – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
We are a child centric culture with lots of respect for children, and that’s a good thing! One parenting skill that can get lost is...Read More
Emotional Intelligence and Emotional Stupidity – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
This week the Therapist in the Wild opines on emotional stupidity and emotional intelligence–two states we each inhabit every day. ShareTweetBufferShareFlipReddit...Read More
Secret Knowledge for Great Parenting – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
This week the Therapist in the Wild shares a surprising fact about being a good parent — start with having a great relationship with your...Read More
Getting In The Habit of Evolution, An Integral Conversation with Jeff Salzman [AUDIO]
An integrally informed mindfulness can give you a higher quality of self-awareness. Jeff often likens it to Google Earth, where you can view the whole...Read More
Finding A Way Through To Love | What Makes A Happy Marriage [AUDIO]
What Makes a Happy Marriage? I recently joined my good friend Jeff Salzman for another Integral Conversation on his regular The Shrink & The Pundit...Read More
Lying as Violence – an Integral Conversation with Patricia Albere [AUDIO]
I recently had the privilege of meeting with Patricia Albere to discuss the topic of Lying as Violence. What is the impact of living in...Read More
Dune by Frank Herbert, A Modern Sacred Text [AUDIO]
In this interview, KMO and I explore the intricacies of the Dune universe, and discuss how the characters and drama reflect enduring psychological and political...Read More
The Question of Love – The Conscious Change Agent Web Show [VIDEO]
Keith Witt on The Conscious Change Agent Web Show, with Jack Butler. In this video take on the question of Love. What is Love? How...Read More
Food for Thought: How Many Perspectives Can We Hold?
One of the most reliable measures of development is how many perspectives of ourselves we can hold at any time. Can I observe myself observing...Read More
The Neurobiology of Shadow – Integral Conversation with Jeff Salzman [AUDIO]
In this conversation we cover The Neurobiology of Shadow, and how we handle the “shadow” in our own lives, in particular the bits of the...Read More
Lying as Violence – How Your Lies Create Separations
People lie all the time. Check out these stats from Little White Lies – The Truth About Why Women Lie: 12 % of adults admit...Read More
Supporting Each Stage of your Child's Spiritual Growth
We all want to support our children having a vibrant enlivening spirituality. How mother and father live their own spirituality, and understand a child’s inner...Read More
Thank You For Seeing Me, An Integral Conversation with Jeff Salzman [AUDIO]
In this dialog Jeff and I talk a little bit about how we felt during and after The Integral Living Room gathering. We talk about...Read More
Do NOT argue with Fundamentalists – and Here's Why
Fundamentalism is believing something so deeply that new facts can’t sway your opinion. We all have fundamentalist beliefs. For instance, I believe that love heals....Read More
Do NOT argue with Fundamentalists – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
Today the Therapist in the Wild is here to talk about why you should not bother arguing with rigid-minded people. There is not reason to...Read More
Developmental Engagement Field Theory, A paper by Dr. Keith Witt
A Speculative Framework for the Practical Application of Integrally Informed Psychotherapy Abstract Psychotherapy has benefited from Ken Wilber’s all-levels, all-lines contribution of a developmental perspective...Read More
In the Belly of the Whale, An Integral Conversation with Jeff Salzman [AUDIO]
In this dialog with my Integral Brother Jeff Salzman we discuss the gift of Campbell’s formulation of The Hero’s Journey, which is his name for...Read More
Three Types of Employees – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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You are the Hero in your Epic Journey – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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Ought We Be Ashamed? An Integral Conversation with Jeff Salzman [AUDIO]
I recently connected with My Integral Brother Jeff Salzman, who runs the DailyEvolver. For this podcast Jeff and I approached shame, a force that if...Read More
STFU Self-loathing Edition – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
We all learn shame as toddlers responding to the disapprovals that parents regularly are compelled to try to control us with–the average 10 to 17...Read More
The Hero's Journey, Our Journey
Each of us is born into a unique universe with “me” at the center. That’s the “me” you have always been and always will be....Read More
You Are A Super Hero – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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Checking In For Better Or Worse – Attunement and Trust
Happy couples often enjoy checking in with each other throughout the day. They’ll text, call, email just to have contact—very much like monkeys who can...Read More
Checking in with Your Partner: Happy or Unhappy – Therapist in the Wild [Video]
There are unhappy “checking-in” couples as well, though, and while the words and mechanisms are similar, the energy is very, very different....Read More
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) 3
By some measures, 1% to 2% of the population suffer from borderline personality disorder—and I do mean “suffer.” Feeling alternately better than everyone, and then...Read More
Borderline Personality Disorder – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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Inclusive boundaries – Exclusive boundaries
Inclusive boundaries — behaviors, attitudes, adjustments, principles, or understandings that I need to be in joyful relationship with you. Honesty, willingness to listen, compassion for...Read More
Healthy Narcissism vs Unhealthy Narcissism – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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How to Have Integral Sex: A Conversation with Jeff Salzman [AUDIO]
It’s always terrific to connect up with My Integral Brother Jeff Salzman, who runs the excellent DailyEvolver site. As usual, our conversation involved integral psychotherapy,...Read More
Mature Sex – What happens to us in our 60s and beyond? – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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Mature Sex – When we don't feel like BABES anymore – Don't worry it's not over
Jennifer J. wrote to us on our Ask Dr. Keith page: “I’d love to see an episode on sexuality in older people…women who don’t feel...Read More
Overloading In The Culture Of Urgency
Here’s a great article by ELISHA GOLDSTEIN, PH.D. Do you live in a culture of false urgency? You think not? No? Everything is just fine? Well...Read More
Fractals appear on the connecting edges of EVERYTHING – Food for Thought
Fractals are recursive patterns–repeating but never the same–that appear on the connecting edges of everything. Objects, gasses, solids, ecosystems, relationships, and human consciousness all have...Read More
Facebook is Good for Relationships – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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Is Facebook Bad for Relationships? I Don't Think So
Facebook has been criticized by bloggers and social media haters over the last four or five years, mostly in response to one study, by of...Read More
It's a good time to be a father – Food for Thought
When women pick up a baby, 80% of them hold it to their left, instinctively knowing that the baby’s hyperactive right hemisphere–sensing through the right...Read More
Shakespeare's Million Monkeys – Food for Thought
Everyone has heard the assertion that a million monkeys typing long enough would produce Shakespeare, but I don’t think people realize the fact that a...Read More
Healthy Flirting and the art of the Enjoyable Attraction – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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Healthy Flirting vs Unhealthy Flirting – The Art of the Enjoyable Attraction
Flirting often naturally happens when a more masculine person (usually a guy) and a more feminine person (usually a woman) connect....Read More
Development Never Stops – Why Our Brains Can't Stop Learning
Brains can’t stop learning because they’re constantly being conditioned by the world, inner experience, principles and intent. Even more, since we are compulsively social, we...Read More
Fundamentalists make for horrible leaders – Food for Thought
In reference to today’s article in the LA times on California republicans being grateful to Jerry Brown (previously contemptuously dismissed as “Governor Moonbeam” by them...Read More
Sex with Hookers: Nope! – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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Just Say No to Drugs – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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We’re Goodness, Truth and Beauty Machines – Integral Conversation with Jeff Salzman [AUDIO]
My latest conversation with Dr. Keith Witt really gave me a lift! In evolutionary circles we often hear how the human brain is wired for...Read More
Would You Share? – Integral Conversation with Jason Lange [VIDEO]
In this 20-minute video call, Jason Lange and Dr. Keith Witt discuss the concepts explored in this upcoming short film, and the possible impact and...Read More
If you don't feel beautiful, you haven't gone deep enough.
Have you ever felt embarrassed, let down, less than, foolish, or ashamed? Have you ever felt like a fraud in your life, work, or relationships?...Read More
Handling Bullies – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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Spirituality and Psychotherapy: Integrating the Two Great Paths of Development [AUDIO]
In May of 2013, Dr. Keith had the privilege to speak with Jeff Salzman about the integration of Spirituality and Psychotheraphy....Read More
The Importance of Eye Contact – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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Handling Telemarketers – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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Path With A Heart [83]
Back in the 60’s there was a UCLA anthropology student named Carlos Casteneda who wrote his master’s thesis about his many conversations and psychedelic adventures...Read More
Shame Death Spirals
In this episode of Therapist in the Wild, Dr. Witt asks us to contemplate shame death spirals. Yes, we know everyone’s favorite subject… Shame makes...Read More
Pride Goeth Before… [82]
I do a lot of meditations and practices each day, one of which is a mantra called “Green Tara,” where you repeat, “Om, tare, tutare,...Read More
Long Distance Relationships – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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Ten Rules That Will Improve Your Marriage
Here’s a great list of ten rules that will help you attain long-term martial success! Study up and put them into practice, it might be...Read More
We influence what we scan for, Part 2 [81]
Let’s all become more optimistic and grateful. Last week we talked about how brains both consciously and unconsciously accumulate habits by scanning constantly, choosing what...Read More
Regular Good Sex – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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10 Seconds – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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We influence what we scan for: Part 1 [80]
Brains are wired to scan for threats, needs, wants, what’s familiar, and what’s novel. Brains monitor the environment like the National Security Agency monitors the...Read More
Parenting a Teenager – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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Acting In Contradiction To Your Beliefs
Have you ever found yourself acting in complete contradiction to your own beliefs? This is the important question in a theory of mind called Cognitive...Read More
When Others Try and Stifle Dreams
Optimism is a wonderful thing when following your dreams and it’s important to remember that that voice can get drowned out by certain forces that...Read More
“Mr. Natural, what does it all mean?” Part 2 [79]
Last week’s blog began with Mr. Natural (of Zap Comics fame) responding to Flakey Foont’s, “Mr. Natural! Mr. Natural! What does it all mean?” with...Read More
Do You Feel Motivated in Your Marriage?
If you’ve followed my blog for the past couple weeks you’ve noticed quite a few “Therapist in the Wild” videos. These videos are general rules,...Read More
Speed Development – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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2 Rules for Bosses – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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“Mr. Natural, what does it all mean?” Part 1 [78]
If you grew up in the sixties and seventies, you probably are familiar with Zap Comics, the counterculture’s irreverent, risqué, and hip extension of Mad...Read More
STFU The Political Edition – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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The Hobbit and married bliss [77]
I first read The Hobbit in the late fifties when I was nine or ten. It completely blew my mind and instantly became a bible...Read More
Handling a Depressed Partner – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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The Enneagram and Helen Palmer [76]
This past New Year’s weekend I had the privilege of presenting a talk called We are all Integral Psychotherapists at the Integral What’s Next conference...Read More
When to Shut the Fuck Up – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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How To Not Have Anxiety, Depression, or Killing Rage As Attractor States
Each time we create a brain state, it’s more likely to come back. If we create it enough, we automatically go there in certain situations–it...Read More
Tone is Everything – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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Late Night Relating – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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Attractor States and Default Modes – Train Your Brain to Shift
The first step in lightening up is accepting and managing our darkness. A big part of the price of feeling better turns out to be...Read More
Who's Driving the Bus? – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
In this episode of Therapist in the Wild, Dr. Keith Witt points out that we are all many people throughout the course of our lives. ...Read More
2 Rules for Women – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
In this episode of Therapist in the Wild, Dr. Keith Witt follows up on his priceless “2 Rules for Men” session with the long-sought after...Read More
Reducing Gun Violence: Part 2 [73]
In Part 1 I detailed David Kennedy’s amazing success reducing street gang shootings all across America (http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Shoot-Fellowship-Violence-Inner-City/dp/1608194140). The conclusion he offered was: Study the problem....Read More
Fuck Me and Fix Things – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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Reducing Gun Violence: Part 1 [72]
What has worked in America to reduce gun violence? If we look beyond bombast–“Longer prison terms for gun violence! Bring back the death penalty!”–and self-righteous...Read More
Conversation vs. Argument – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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American Lifestyle – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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False Beliefs Completely Suck [71]
The fifty-something wife (Joyce) glares angrily at her husband, who first looks defiantly back, but then turns away in obvious discomfort. She is in the...Read More
How to Drink – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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Freud missed the boat [70]
People get very busy with their theories. Examples of this are all around us. Free Market true believers say any restraint of trade is bad...Read More
What the Bleep? – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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Let him inspire you to be a better woman [69]
Men can be scary and infuriating. On the other hand, masculine depth of consciousness can deliver an effortless dance of romance and bliss. In each...Read More
Unresolved Guys – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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Premature Ejaculation – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
In this episode of Therapist in the Wild, Dr. Keith Witt guides a young couple through the problem of premature ejaculation. Dr. Keith Witt reminds...Read More
Do it when you don't feel like it [68]
Greg and Katy are in their early forties, sitting across from each other in my office, visibly uncomfortable with the conversation. They’ve been discussing each...Read More
Handling a Dick Boss – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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Masculine Challenge [67]
“If you point your finger at me one more time, I’m going to slap you upside the head!” This was delivered with no humor and...Read More
Supporting Each Stage of Your Child's Spiritual Growth
Workshop Sponsored by Unity ChurchSunday, December 1, 201312:15 PMChapel in The Unity Church of SB, 227 E. Arrellaga We all want to support our children having...Read More
Clueless to Dialed-In, How Integral mindful living makes everything better
School of Love WorkshopWednesday, January 22, 20147 PMChapel in The Unity Church of SB, 227 E. Arrellaga Clueless living is dangerous—you miss signals, take idiotic risks,...Read More
Why "Therapist in the Wild"? [66]
You’ve probably seen one or two of the Therapist in the Wild episodes that my son Ethan and I are producing for our website. You...Read More
Parenting a Four Year Old – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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Asking Dr. Keith Witt: “What’s Next In Personal Relationship?” – Jeff Salzman Interview
Great conversation here with another of my Integral Brothers, Keith Witt. Keith is a Central Casting Integralist, a California surfer as a young man, accomplished...Read More
Cheating and Lying – Therapist in the Wild [VIDEO]
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2 Rules for Guys – Rule One is "Don't Be a Dick" – Watch the Video to learn Rule Two
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The Dalai Lama and the suffering of change, conditioning, and suffering [65]
The Dalai Lama gave a lecture at UCSB in 2009, and it was quite the occasion. He had a cold, but talked joyfully in heavily...Read More
Approval and Disapproval Influence Us All the Time [64]
Whether we know it or not, our social existence is dominated by feeling accepted or unaccepted, OK with the world, or ashamed of some mistake,...Read More
Males Inherit More Intelligence from their Mothers [63]
A lot of fathers are going to hate this, but genetic research has found guys probably get a lot of their intelligence from their X...Read More
Hey! Good to see you! [62]
Often when I walk into a room, Becky smiles up and says, “Hey! Good to see you!” while I say, “Hey! good to see you!” ...Read More
Traditions guide and unite us: "You killed our iguana! You have to go catch us a new one!" [61]
Four to ten-year-old kids increasingly wake up to, “I’m part of a family, tribe, and nation that I care about.” Most children eventually feel morally...Read More
Do you want to go shooting? [60]
“Do you want to go shooting?” asked Ray many years ago, while he and Judy were over for dinner. “Sure,” I said, intrigued with the...Read More
Emotions are ancestral memories guiding us to deal with what's next — Part 3 [59]
In this final installment, we look at the weird deal humans have– powers to consider past, present, and future, but also tendencies to worry about...Read More
Emotions are ancestral memories guiding us to deal with what's next – Part 2 [58]
In Part 1 of this series we talked about emotions as ancestral voices guiding us in dealing with the unique world we’re each born into....Read More
Designer babies: what's not to like? [57]
The Christian Science Monitor (6-25-12), in response to scientists for the first time mapping the DNA of a fetus, recently had a commentary questioning the...Read More
Emotions are ancestral memories guiding us to deal with what's next – Part 1 [56]
Famous affective neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp said in a 2010 lecture that emotions are ancestral memories, guiding mammals and birds to survive and thrive in a...Read More
Relational Passwords [55]
In the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey, director Stanley Kubrick had HAL the computer be an immature, petulant, super-powerful machine God who waged war on...Read More
Three minutes of Zen [54]
Boomers will remember the song, Afternoon Delight, by the Starland Vocal Band. I particularly enjoyed that song because for decades afternoon was my yummiest time...Read More
Borderline Personality Disorder 2: Projective identification can transform into sacred tantric practice [53]
Roxanne looks at Jason and narrows her eyes. “You let me down again. You don’t care about me, about us!” Jason looks at me hopelessly....Read More
American Tantra 2: touching, cuddling, smooching, and sexing helps you lose weight! [52]
A recent study revealed that a third of men have had fantasy sex with over one thousand women. Men are genetically wired to crave diversity...Read More
Procrastination—Anxiously Trying to Hold Back the Future [51]
Jason is a successful lawyer in his mid forties, sitting in my office in a frozen state of procrastination. In most of his life, Jason...Read More
American Tantra [50]
Eastern traditions have a long history of sexual/spiritual philosophies and practices, commonly referred to in the west as “Tantric.” Over the last century, many westerners...Read More
If You Are a Therapist in Training, I Suggest You Develop Your Natural Healing Style and Lose Most of the “Musts” [49]
I conducted my first therapy session in 1973 as a peer counselor working in the Student Counseling Center at UCSB. My client was a sophomore...Read More
Emotional Dialysis [48]
James Grotstein is a famous psychoanalyst/author who lives and works in L.A. He’s brilliant, funny, and can make dry psychoanalytic giants like Melanie Klein and...Read More
Exploring and Understanding the Masculine and Feminine – An Introduction
Some men have a more feminine sexual essence and some women a more masculine sexual essence. But there are also major genetic differences between men...Read More
For Becky [46]
Valentine memories I love to see you at a distance Walking, unmistakable, adorable I love to touch you in the morning Sleepy, vulnerable, infinitely desirable...Read More
We Can Always See Farther Than We Can Be [45]
Becky and I live on a street that runs near the top of small ridge right behind the Santa Barbara Mission. Since we moved here...Read More
We Absorb the Personalities of Our Family [44]
Steve and Karen—late thirties and married for nine years—are sitting, facing each other, during their sixth session. Steve says, “Karen never wants me to go...Read More
The Quality of Our Sobriety Is What We Do, Not How We Think [43]
Like most therapists, I’ve worked a fair amount with addiction and recovery. Therapists will tell you people practicing an addiction—whether alcohol, opiates, cocaine, gambling, compulsive...Read More
Growth Mindsets Are So Much Better Than Fixed Mindsets [42]
Lots of us make New Year’s resolutions, and most of us don’t follow through. Why is this? I believe it’s often because we have the...Read More
Christmas and Our Collective Spirit: It Really Matters. [41]
I love the holidays. I know people get stressed, and excess prevails around food and presents and stuff, but still, the holiday spirit of love...Read More
The Resentment and Appreciation Exercise—an Oldie But Goodie [40]
Ken and Doris are an athletic, attractive couple in their fifties, coming into my office for their fifteenth session. In the eighth year of a...Read More
Lady Gaga and American Relationship Blind Spots [39]
People often say America is a celebrity culture, but this seems unfair to me. All cultures are celebrity cultures! Humans are fascinated with extraordinary people...Read More
Turning Points and Peak Experiences [38]
I first meditated in 1965, kneeling in a line of karate practitioners facing our sensei (teacher), John Flaig. He was the only black belt in...Read More
Adjusting From Misattunement Back to Attunement Is the Human Skill [37]
I love to watch mothers and babies. A rosy glow seems to light up the room when they’re connected and attuned to each other. A...Read More
Creating the Same Negative Patterns [36]
My friend Barbara Ligeti asked me about this a couple of months ago. It’s an important question, since such patterns are ubiquitous in human societies....Read More
A Five Star Practice for Creating Beautiful Relationships [35]
Say you’re single and yearn for love. What’s the first step? “What do I do?” “How do I find someone where we’re both into each...Read More
Secure Attachment in Adults [34]
In the last blog we looked mostly at attachment in children. We ended with the hopeful news that secure adults raise secure kids, and all...Read More
Secure Attachment—We’re All Wired For It [33]
World War II was a catastrophe not just for the soldiers killed and traumatized, but also for their families. Millions of children lost parents or...Read More
What are dreams anyway? Dreams are Pricesless Guides and Mirrors to our Souls
Amazingly to me, and I imagine to anyone else who works with dreams, there is a lot of disagreement about what dreams are. Some believe...Read More
What can you do to make your romantic/erotic relationship more fun for you and your partner?
What can you do to make your romantic/erotic relationship more fun for you and your partner? Are you willing to change what you think and...Read More
Tribal Leadership Is a Business System That’s Totally Useful in Therapy [30]
Jim—mid-twenties, strong and good-looking, strides frowning into my office. He usually arrives bummed out and in a hurry. Jim loves hiking in the mountains behind...Read More
Recommended Meditation – Through 4 States of Consciousness
As I’ve done this meditation through each of the eight chakras, I’ve found that the different states have unique flavors, except that nothingness—Causal consciousness or...Read More
Our Sixth Brain, the Coolest Thing Ever – Our Shared Social Brain
I’ve written in previous blogs about our five brains (The Life Vessel, the Vagus Nerve, and Transcendent states). We actually have a sixth brain—our shared...Read More
First You Need to Get Into the Game: Why Online Dating Is So Great [27]
I love online dating. I think online dating services like Chemistry.com, Eharmony, Jdate, plentyoffish, and Match.com are among the most wonderful outcomes of the linked-in...Read More
The Closer You Are, the Weirder It Gets [26]
Cindy sinks down into the light brown armchair in my office on a sweet Santa Barbara Autumn day. The sun shines through the French doors,...Read More
Yum/Yuck—Amazingly Reliable, Always Revealing [25]
Jill—thirty-seven, an assistant District Attorney raising her ten-year-old son after a difficult divorce—sits across from me in my office, fretting about an invitation she just...Read More
What It Really Means to Want It Too Much [24]
One of my best friends in college was a dedicated womanizer. This was before the idea of sexual addiction, or sexual compulsivity, hit the mainstream,...Read More
The Castle, the Gate, and the Threshold [23]
In fairy tales, the Castle can be a fortress of strength or a prison of solitude, depending upon who is in charge. Castle as fortress-of-strength...Read More
The Life Vessel, the Vagus Nerve, and Transcendent States [22]
Becky and her friend Stephanie Badaci own Santa Barbara Life Vessel (www.lifevesselsantabarbara.com ), which—among other services like Soul Collage, the EVOX machine, Flower Essences, and Educational...Read More
“I Am a Psychologist. Let Me Help.” [21]
Psychologists show up all the time in jokes. “How many psychologists does it take to…?” “A guy walks into a psychologist’s office and….” The general...Read More
Remembering the Future Is Usually Pretty Sunny, but Cracks Can Show Up in Our Rose-Colored Glasses [20]
“You slept with your high school girlfriend and lied to me! How do I know you won’t cheat again?” Carrie, an attractive woman in her...Read More
A Few Facts About Divorce – For Better and For Worse
I read an outstanding interview in the LA Times this week (Saturday, July 30), where Patt Morrison was asking high profile divorce lawyer Laura Wasser...Read More
Stephen Colbert, Dan Savage, and Why It’s a Bad Idea to Try to Negotiate with Biology [18]
Recently on the 7-12-11 Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert interviewed advice columnist Dan Savage about monogamy and fidelity. Dan passionately advocated that sexuality in relationships can...Read More
Evolutionary Relationships – Our Ability to Be Intimate GROWS as We Mature
For the last two hundred thousand years, the human race has been growing into the capacities that we received with the FOXP2 mutations, and those...Read More
A Warrior Does Not Let His Spirit Get Too High or Too Low [16]
Everybody has sacred texts, and I don’t just mean the Bible or the Constitution. Once when I was a young teen and bullying my younger...Read More
Sorry if I’m Making this Sound Easy! [15]
I looked at Henry, my 52-year-old businessman client, and said, “I want to apologize for making this sound so easy.” He looked a little puzzled,...Read More
Be Aware of Defensive States – The Instant That Can Change Everything
Our emotional, reactive, defensive selves are programmed into our brains to react to threat instantly. Our mature, conscious, socially intelligent selves are based in the...Read More
Britney Spears, Michelle Obama, and Sarah Palin as mythic symbols and regular women [13]
Several years ago I did a one-day workshop on my book Shame: the Misunderstood Emotion for Santa Barbara Adult Education. During the presentation, I mentioned...Read More
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) – Are YOU Borderline?
Borderline Personality Disorder is a complicated condition where people have unstable relationships, rapid shifts into rage and alarm, endless nasty dramas, and cycle in their...Read More
Anthony Weiner shouldn’t resign, but he should seek help [11]
An article about Anthony Weiner in the June 10, 2011 LA Times by Kathleen Hennessey and Michael Memoli (weirdly, on the “obituaries” page), quoted the...Read More
The Danger of Sexual Addiction and What To Do If You're a Sex Addict
Patric Carnes is the father of the sex addiction and recovery movement. His book, Out of the Shadows shines a light on compulsive sexuality as...Read More
Redefining Middle Age – Baby Boomers are Purpose-Driven
Boomers are redefining middle age, and—in spite of the increased self-absorption and narcissism that our generation suffers from—middle age is becoming more purpose driven....Read More
What if Arnold, Maria, and their kids are all telling the truth? [08]
I’ve lived in Southern California—specifically Santa Barbara—most of my life, and so feel personally connected to the icons of the area. In the seventies I...Read More
Charlie Sheen – Poster Child for Pathological Narcissism – And he's not alone
There’s something fascinating about a train wreck. Watching one unfold over an extended period both horrifies and magnetizes us. You probably are someone (or know...Read More
10 Statements Guaranteed to Drive Guys Crazy
Happy couples are interested in having as few checks as possible on their partner’s “I’ve had it!” lists. They figure out how to compromise and...Read More
10 Statements Guaranteed to Drive Women Crazy
Several years ago, I was working with a stay-at-home Mom named Cynthia. She had three small children and a hardworking husband named Jim who often...Read More
Treating People Like Objects Is Always a Bad Idea – Here's Why
Once Eric and Camille got the message about not treating each other like objects, it marked a real break-through in their marriage, because they’d finally...Read More
Add compassion and let it happen—the perfect healing recipe
One of the reasons I like to give lectures is that I have no idea exactly what I’m going to say. Sure, I’m prepared. I...Read More
Private vs Secret | When is it appropriate to withhold information? | TMI
Remember: Privacy is good. Many of the private thoughts and feelings you keep to yourself are part of what makes you unique. They can make...Read More
Welcome to the School of Love [01]
“All you need is love.” When the Beatles sang it, I believed it. Do you? One of the most potent things I’ve learned in my...Read More