Wise Self and Productive/Nonproductive Thoughts and Actions

In last month’s blog we explored Wise Self; what it is and how it can be our best life-navigator. When we have compassionate understanding of ourselves and others and are cross-validating reflexive moral judgments with embodied core values to do good and not do bad, we are usually in a Wise Self state.

In this blog we’ll explore a foundational organizing principle for navigating with Wise Self—discerning productive and non-productive thoughts and behaviors and using Wise Self to consistently inquire into non-productive thoughts/actions until they transform into productive thoughts/actions.

Most psychotherapists and coaches have systems that encourage compassionate, honest, and effective thoughts and actions. Cognitive behavioral therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and many other systems are based on examining thoughts and behaviors and choosing healthy ones over unhealthy ones. Often productive and nonproductive thoughts and actions are amazingly obvious, but people have inherent fear of change, what Robert Kegan calls “immunity to change.” Cultivating Wise Self to inquire into and resolve nonproductive thought/actions into productive thoughts/actions is a practice most change workers use in one way or another, though the language and practices vary from person to person. A Wise Self is us reaching for compassionate understanding of self and others, aware of integrative and compensatory motivations, noticing reflexive moral judgments, and consciously cross-validating them with embodied core values to do good and not do bad. 

A twenty-year-old man has a hot date and is subsequently ghosted by the young woman. He tells me, “I know I should let it go, but I keep obsessing about her. I want to text her again, even though I know she won’t get back to me.”  

He can see these are non-productive thoughts and impulses, but he has been colonized and captured by them. 

A Wise Self state can help him first accept his current nonproductive thoughts/actions and then patiently allow himself to move through them. I ask him, “What is compassionate understanding of you and her?” He looks thoughtful, “That we had a good time, but she has some situation that makes it not right for her to keep connected.” I nod and dig in a little deeper, “And what judgments are you making about her and you, with what feelings? He looks a little confused, but he’s a self-aware guy and looks inward. He says, “I think she’s acting badly and I resent it. I’m ashamed and think I’m either unattractive or I screwed up somehow.” I encourage him to take the next step, “What’s best for her, best for you, and what the wise would consider the highest good with this?”
He takes a deep breath and visibly relaxes, “It’s best to be grateful for what we had, hope she does well, and keep asking out women who seem like candidates for a healthy relationship.” 

I ask him, “How do you feel as you say this?” He looks a little surprised, “More relaxed and accepting.”

I tell him, “You’re having a Wise Self moment right now. This is the emotional signature of a Wise Self state you create by reaching for compassion for you and others, noticing your reflexive moral judgments, and cross-validating with what’s best for you, for her, and what the wise would consider serves the highest good.”
Wise Self is an optimal navigator. A fundamental life-navigation principle is, “Recognize productive and non-productive thoughts and actions and use Wise Self guidance to compassionately understand non-productive thoughts and actions in yourself and others, and then reach for productive thoughts and actions.”

Much suffering is caused by people caught up in non-productive thoughts and actions, not knowing how to consistently correct to productive thoughts and actions. Extreme cases are OCD, addictions, anxiety disorders, dysthymia, and depression. People suffering from these conditions will ruminate on real and imagined negative aspects of themselves and others, get lost in regrets and resentments from the past and anxieties about the future, and consistently make poor decisions about how to act in personal and professional contexts. One central way to address all these issues is cultivating Wise Self States of compassionate understanding for self and others, paying attention to our inner current of reflexive judgments, and cross-validating those judgments with embodied core values to do good and not do bad. The self-observation addresses the distorted thoughts, and the embodied core values lead to healthy actions.

An organizing principle of many systems is, “Energy follows thought,” meaning that people have agency in how they direct attention and that such direction matters. The Wise Self system is a practical method of operationalizing this agency in every domain.