This blog post is for guys willing to learn to love women better.A couple come sits in my office at 1:00 on a sunny Monday. Alexi is Persian-American Osteopath. He speaks to me as if his wife, Honny, is not in the room. “Eighty percent of the time she’s exactly the woman I want, and twenty percent of the time she’s a nightmare.” Honny’s face tenses at this pronouncement, and something seems to snap inside her. “You’re always putting me down!” she says. “You never help around the house! I can’t remember the last time you said anything nice to me, and you expect me to have sex whenever you want. You’re lucky I stick around at all!” What if, at this moment, Alexi were to look warmly into Honny’s eyes and say, “You’re right. I put you down too much, and hardly ever point out all the wonderful things you contribute. You are a magnificent lover, and I am lucky you stick around. I will get better at loving and appreciating you. I will be kinder and more tuned into us instead of just me.” Of course, Alexi didn’t respond this way. In fact, this kind of response hardly ever happens in fights. I know it’s a high standard—sometimes an impossibly high standard—to reach for such compassion and presence when your nervous system is primed for flight or fight. On the other hand, if you were Alexi’s wife, how would you respond? How would Alexi feel about himself and Honny later, remembering this response? Letting your partner move you to be a better man is what being in relationship is all about. It is the archetype of the present and excellent masculine partner.
Taking your wife’s distress as a wake up call to be a better man makes you a better man.I’m not talking about being a wimp here. It takes courage to see your dark side and resolve to change it. It takes courage to tell the truth. John Gottman can listen to a couple talk for fifteen minutes and tell with 80% certainty whether they will divorce or not. He’s really good at this, because he’s studied lots of couples for decades and has learned what the happy and miserable couples do. Gottman once said the one thing that predicted happy couples was the ability of the guy to soothe his feminine partner when she’s upset. I loved hearing this! This is exactly what I want from experts: secret knowledge! Soothe her effectively and be happy. But does this mean always let her tell you what to do, how to think, and what’s best for everyone? A guy who feels pussy-whipped attacks with anger or disinterest. Your partner deserves better. The best way to soothe your woman is to allow her to move you to be a better man. A better man is more compassionate, has deeper consciousness, and has courage to tell his deepest truths. In every criticism, every request, is some knowledge of how to be deeper and more loving. As you listen for these messages, you’ll hear them and be moved by your lover to be a better man. As you do this, her feminine heart will open. Everyone benefits from insight into blind spots. Sometimes a better man sets compassionate limits when his lover is less than her best self. Some women will find this intolerable and boundaries lead to separation. Some women find this beautiful masculine direction and allow themselves to be guided to deeper love. Deeper love moves the masculine. So, reach for what serves the highest good for everyone and your lover will be magnetized or repelled. If she can match your compassion you have created the best resonating system there is, two human geniuses co-inspiring themselves upwards in a spiral towards unity with pure Spirit.
Image Credit: Charlie Foster @ Unsplash https://unsplash.com/@charliefoster?photo=A88emaZe7d8